Fairy-tales and Weddings and the spaces in between

Fall doesn't seem like the time to be thinking of weddings - or fairies.  But as the leaves flame in the rapidly chilling air and pumpkin spice-flavored goodies appear in abundance, a great deal of my free time has been spent thinking about, talking about, and planning for weddings.

My own wedding was a little-planned event.  I squirm a little inside when people ask me my opinion on things having to do with wedding-planning, because I prefer honesty, and to be so about my wedding is to admit that I was possibly the most lackadaisical bride in the history of brides.

Of course I wanted to be a fairytale bride, to stand out, to shine.  What woman doesn't?  But I had my dress, and I had my groom, and the people I loved were going to be there.  Beyond that I wanted very little else. I had no desire to be the fussy bride. When it comes to stress and disappointment, I'm an avoider - I'd rather not set myself up for either.

The result was a wedding day that I think would probably have driven many brides insane.  I hadn't thought of a cake, drinks only occurred courtesy of an amazing friend.  My mother-in-law dealt with the music. The mother, father, and brother of my Maid of Honor all pitched in, in various capacities... all while this spoiled little bride refused to fret about any of it. "At the end of the day," I told everyone "I'll still be married, and the people I needed most are here, and that's all that matters."

Looking back, I realize that not only was I giving in to my special kind of perfectionism (I'll probably mess it up and hate myself for it, so why bother trying?), but that it's likely that I was thinking of many of the weddings that I had witnessed or taken part of as a child. Whether it was a cultural thing or not - the type of wedding I was used to were massive family affairs, where ranks of grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and female friends of the family gathered in each other's homes to deal with all the details of the wedding, from the invitations to the favours to the bouquets to the decorations to the cake. Where nieces and nephews folded programs the night before the wedding, and family from out of town had flooded in to fill up the relative's houses easily a week in advance of the wedding. Where the reception was more of a massive potluck, than anything else - tables groaning with food that everyone seemed to have contributed to.  None of which was going to happen, with me miles from any part of my huge extended family.

So now, as multiple close friends embark on the chaos of planning for their own weddings - they ask my opinion and I still feel uniquely unsuited to give it. The gift of planning grand social gatherings is not mine. The talent for cutting things down to their most basic (it's a simple choice, this one or THAT one), and the gift of (usually) appropriate snark (You want us to wear what?  Death first.), those are mine. Weddings are meant to be a woman's dream day, her fairy-tale.  Why is it so easy to turn everything associated with them into a nightmare?

I've been married for a little over five years now.  Although, when others bring it up, I'm a little ashamed of the lackluster way I approached the planning for my wedding - the best memories of that big day are that I married the man I'm still in love with, that my friends and family were there - beautiful and loving and supportive - and that we all, in the end, had fun together. We still do.  And no real fairy-tale has ever run perfectly neatly, according to plan, but we love them anyway. So maybe I had a fairy-tale day after all. And maybe there's more to a wedding than expensive clothes, perfect hair, and impeccable planning. It's a radical thought, but maybe it's about the people who love you and whom you love.

I'm not opposed to the perfectly planned wedding - don't get me wrong.  I think they can be stunning, elegant, picturesque creations - things of beauty to be proud of.  I would've loved to be able to look back on  my wedding and feel pride over the perfection of my flower arrangements, the stunning effect of the decorations, the perfection of the ambiance, the way my bridesmaids were stunning (but not too stunning).  But more than looking back and being proud of the perfectly executed event, more than the culmination of months of stress-inducing planning, I hope that my friends, the brides-to-be in my circle, get to look back on their weddings as a series of breath-taking, heartwarming memories of fun, support, and love.